What I Learned From My Eating Disorder

These five words led me down a path of an eating disorder, which included restrictive eating, excessive exercise and perfectionist tendencies. This is what I learned from my eating disorder, and here’s a practice to transform negative self-talk.

What seeds are you planting with your thoughts?

I was 19. A college student with straight As, perfect attendance, a heavy book bag and perfectionist tendencies.

Even so, “I could be doing more” was the thought that was constantly coursing through every cell that eventually led me down the path of an eating disorder. In my case, it was extremely restricting calories and excessive exercise to the point of seeing stars.

This was how I operated my life for many months. It was if someone was holding their finger down on the repeat button with these five words. I. Could. Be. Doing. More.

And when I examined this thought, when I really tried to understand it, underlying this thought was another thought—the root of the planted seed that had already matured: “I am not enough.”

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I was shrinking by the day in my baggy size 0 jeans, my body and mind barely getting by on enough energy to sustain me and get through the day. I was always in motion yet didn’t have the energy or strength to keep up with it. I was exhausted from walking, exhausted from talking, exhausted from exercising, exhausted from working, exhausted from life. I was constantly on the cusp of fainting because of inadequate nourishment.

And yet, the irony of it all is that wellness was what I wanted. This way of living was far removed from the health and wellness lifestyle I was seeking.

Somewhere, somehow along the way, I had acquired the mentality of “I need to be more than I am.”

I struggled with my eating disorder for about a year.

What happened between then and now? How was I able to shift my mindset? An accumulation of everything. School, writing, work, family, babies, change, yoga, self-care, growth.

After many years of working to understand the root of this thought and truly learning to love myself unconditionally through a cornucopia of self-care practices, including yoga, exercise, meditation, breath work and journaling, I have arrived at new thought patterns. A refreshing understanding.

I am more than a bathing suit size. I am more than a number on a scale. I am more than this body. I am more than this mind. I am more than these labels. I am more than what you see.

When someone asks or tells an overachiever (recovering or not) to do more, we hear: “You’re not enough—good enough, smart enough, whatever enough.”

Don’t let their expectations get in the way of your values and the gifts you have to offer this world. Because, beautiful person reading this right now, you're enough. We all are. We’re all doing our very best with what we have where we are in this particular moment on our journey.

Repeat after me: I am here now. I am doing the best I can. I am enough. I have always been enough.

Let that be enough.

Practice It: Reframe Your Thoughts

Journal about a time when a specific thought or phrase catapulted you down a path far removed from self-love. Write about where the thought stemmed from and who planted the seed. Lovingly ask yourself: What is behind that thought?

Then write about the flip side of the thought. For example, if the seed that was planted led you to the thought “I am not enough” like in my case, replace it with “I am always enough” and see where that leads you.